Book the Oneth A Parody
by Superwrite
Summary: A revamp of that old book. I am really bad at summaries, but hey, you aren't here for the summaries, you're here for the stories.
1. Wow, the first chapter

**Hi, this is my first fanfic, please read and review. Chapter 2 coming soon!**

**Very disclaimerlike disclaimer- I do not own any of the characters from the original Series of Unfortunate Events. That genius Snicket got there first.**

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Book the Oneth

The 'Orrible Opening

Chapter the Firstness

Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire sat at the edge of Boggy Beach, bored out of their insignificant little minds.

Violet, the oldest Baudelaire, was the spoiltest chav ever.

To be fair, she was less spoilt now that she was more chavvy, but she was still spoilt.

She wasn't exactly a chav either, more a wannabe. On her unwashed, chavvy outside she was trying to be, what she imagined, was the 'average teenager' but on the inside was still the little girl with popstardom dreams.

Violet was also the thickest girl you could ever meet. She started off deliberately acting thick, to get away with 'doing the easier (to her) stuff', but slowly her knowledge just trickled out of her brain Well, I say trickled, but it was more like a raging torent trying to get out of her head as fast as possible. Also, it seemed that whenever Violet blew her nose, she forgot the last thing you said. She almost forgot how to speak during a particularly bad cold.

Klaus, the middlest Baudelaire was, you might say, quiet. Not quiet as in never speaks, as people come he was one of the loudest, but Klaus was … secretive.

On the outside he was loud, boisterous and kind of thick, but on the inside, Klaus was a clever secret agent, one of the top in the junior division. 'So how come no one ever notices him missing when he's on missions?' I hear you cry.

Well, Klaus picked up little bits of information from everywhere and reported back to HQ from a secret room behind a secret panel in a secret room only got to by the basement of the Baudelaire household. He was more a 'Problem Solver' than an 'Action Mission Man' as his boss liked to put it.

You would have thought his family would have noticed that Klaus was a bit, well, weird, but no one really noticed that he went round in dark shades and suits all the time, or that he rarely left the house. In fact, he only ever left the house to go to school or the beach.

Now, Sunny, the youngest Baudelaire was just, well, there. She didn't speak. She liked to grunt. She could walk, she was already a two year old, but she liked to crawl and be carried. There isn't a lot to say about Sunny, I'll just leave it there.

Anyway, back to the story, the three Baudelaires were sat at the beach when Mr Pod, the family's banker, pulled up in a taxi and came over.

'Excuse me, are you the Baudelaires?' he asked

'Well, DUH!' Was Violets reply.

'I'm so sorry Baudelaires' he said, his face glum, 'But your parents have perished in a terrible accident'

'Huh?' Said Violet.

'What?' Said Klaus.

'Grr?' said Sunny.

Mr Pod continued, 'Yes. I am deeply sorrowed to say that it's true. They were in the supermarket, looking at the noodles, when a tower of baked … baked … baked … beans … Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!' And he burst into tears.

(I must now apologise for the non-masculinity of Mr Pods behaviour, but give him a break, will you?)

'Sorry' Said Mr Pod wiping his nose in his snotty sleeve (a disgusting habit, I must say) 'But it's (sniff) just so sad. (Sniff) Anyway (Double Sniff) you must come with me. (Triple sniff **and** a nose wipe). TOO THE TAXI!'

As the Baudelaires were driven away in that stuffy, smoke-filled taxi they stared out the windows thinking- 'So what the hell just happened there?'

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**Well, so here ends the first chapter.**

**Now review and get on to the next chapter already!**


	2. Flying Taxis and a Chinese Takeaway

**A/n: Sorry about the really ridiculous amount of time I spent updating. I've had a lot of stuff getting in the way!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: This is a disclaimer. Get over it.

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**10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0 And now I present to you…**

Book the First

The 'Orrible Opening

Chapter the Second

So we left the Baudelaires feeling pretty confused, sad but mainly confused after the events on Boggy Beach. They were sat in a taxi with Mr Pod, who had strangely cried a lot…about everything.

He was upset anyway but you start to get pretty cheesed off when ALL the time you constantly hear 'Oh look at that cute little dog. (Sniff) I used to have a dog. Waaaaaaaaaaaa!' (Sniff, Sniff) Sorry Baudelaires. (Sniff). I'm so embarrassed about this. I hate to be embarrassed. Waaaaaa(Sniff)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!' And so on.

'Oi!' Yelled Violet. 'Where we goin' to. I can't stand sitting in a car with sniffy people.'

'(Sniff) Oh right. We are going to my house where you will stay for the night. Well, it's not actually my house, I'm paying off the mortgage. I might not have enough money. I'll go spiralling into debt. Noooooooooooo! Waaaaaaaaaa!' said Mr Pod as he burst into tears again.

Klaus pressed a button on his watch and spoke into it 'Note to self: Mr Pod seems to be a very wimpish sniffy person. End note'

'Huh?' Asked Violet.

'Oh nothing' Said Klaus. Then he pressed his watch again 'Note to self: I think they could be on to us. Our organization is in danger! End note.'

'Grrarrl' Said Sunny.

'What?' Said Mr Poe.

'She does that a lot. It doesn't mean anything.' Explained Klaus.

'Actually' Said Sunny as she stood up in her seat.

'Sit down that is very dangerous young lady!' Yelled Mr Pod.

Sunny sat down.

'Sorry' She said, 'Anyway. Where the hell was I? Ah yes that was it. Actually I am a very well spoken young lady and I wished to be spoken to with proper English; none of that "Goo goo ga ga" rubbish for me thank you very much.'

'Oh that's nice. So what were you saying when you grunted that first time?' asked Violet.

'Grr' Grunted Sunny. She decided she didn't want to act like a stuck up kid anymore. (And besides, what she meant CENSORED).

'Hey driver! How long are we gunna be?' asked Violet.

'Well' the driver replied, 'there's loads of traffic so anything from five minutes to three days.'

'Can't you just fly over it?' asked Klaus.

'I'd never thought of that.' said the driver. He pressed the "fly over traffic because the kids in the back told you to button" button and the taxi rose up and soared over the tops of the other cars and landed about five minutes before the drivers finger even reached the button.

'Oh that was quick' said Mr Pod, taking his head out of the sick bag he had just filled. 'How much do I owe you?'

'Umm… £1,000,000,000' said the driver nervously.

Steam started to pour out of Mr Pods ears.

'Butrememberitsonlythatmuchbecauseittakesalotofmoneytogetacartoflyandthetaxonflyingcarsisoutrageousatthemomentsopleasedon'tgetmadbecauseyourheadwillpopoffandrollawayandI'llhavetochargeanextra£300togetthebloodstainsoutofthetaxi!' Gabbled the driver.

'Take us back right now!' yelled Mr Pod.

'Sure thing,' Said the driver, trying not to get Mr Pod into a bigger stressy mood.

Meanwhile the Baudelaire orphans had snuck out of the taxi and had broken into the Pod household.

Meanwhile the taxi driver drives back round to the traffic queue and joined exactly where he had left (and stayed there for quite some time).

Meanwhile Mrs Pod and the little Pods (or Podettes, Podettes dance troupe or Pea and Bean) come home from the shops.

Meanwhile the author gets fed up of writing the word meanwhile.

Meanwhile, meanwhile.

Meanwhile a green squiggly line comes up under "Meanwhile, meanwhile". So the author corrects it. (Author right clicks and clicks on ignore once.)

'Can we get on with this?' asked Mr Pod. I'm waiting to wait in the story.

Violet, Klaus and Sunny scuttled over to the other Pods (other as in Mrs, Pea and Bean Pod- Mr Pod had ordered to be flown back to his spot in the traffic queue.)

'Um, excuse me.' Said Violet, cautiously and snootily at the same time (is that actually possible?) 'Mr Pod said that we are meant to be staying with you for a while. We're coming in' She finished as she marched through the door, all thoughts of staying polite flew out o the window and just happened to hit a policeman on the head- he did the cancan right in front of the house.

'Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me?' Exclaimed Mrs Pod. 'You can't just come waltzing in here like you own the place!'

It was too late. Violet was already checking hr make up in the mirror, Sunny was already cursing (in grunts) at the little Pods and Klaus, well, he was setting up a new branch of his secret organization behind a wooly bookcase which he knitted himself.

'Hey come back here! You need to wear itchy wigs, or is it shoes, no its itchy wigs, so get your butts out here right now!' Mrs Pod was in a mood now.

The Baudelaires ignored her.

Mrs Pod screamed, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' As you can see she was pretty darn angry.

Mrs Pod tore down the front wall of the house.

'Do you think she wants something?' Violet asked Sunny.

'Grunt' Grunted Sunny. What she meant was either 'Nah, just ignore her' or 'Can I have a banana and cheese without the curry please?'

'Sunny, now you know I can't make that.' Replied Violet.

'Gruntygrunt' Said Sunny, she meant either 'Oh boy' or 'I chew monkey's bananas aunties', but seeing how she didn't have teeth, the second one was impossible.

Mrs Pod then vanished in a puff of nonsense and returned dressed as a fairy.

Mr Pod then turned up and calmly said 'Um… it might have come to your attention that the front wall of my house has kind of been ripped down, so could any of you pull yourselves away from your busy lives' (and this is where he gets REALLY angry) 'AND TELL ME WHAT THE BLAZES IS GOING ON HERE?'

'Calm down dear,' said Mrs Pod who was at the same time trying to clamp Sunny's mouth shut to stop her from teaching the Little Pods any more bad language. 'You'll make yourself ill.'

'Ooh, look at the pretty fairy!' said Mr Pod, pointing at his wife. He then promptly fell on the floor in a laughing fit.

'Oh dear.' Said Mrs Pod who swept Mr Pod with a dustpan and brush and dumped him in the "Conveniently Placed Teleportation Device" which wasn't so conveniently placed as it was in Hong Kong.

12 hours later, Mrs Pod came back to everything where she had left it, including Violet staring at the mirror squeezing non-existent spots and disapprovingly tugging at bits of invisible fat.

'Kids! I brought Chinese takeaway!' Yelled Mrs Pod.

Everyone got up and started snatching at bits of Chinese apart from one person.

'Sorry I can't eat anything, I'm watching my weight' explained Violet.

'Oh that's OK. I bought you something specially.' Said Mrs Pod as he pulled out a bag. 'It's a good wholesome bag of nothing. It's calorie and fat free!'

So Violet sat down and gladly ate her nothing.

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**I think we'll just leave it there for a minute, we can't disturb them eating their tea.**

**Now press that little purple button below and head off to chapter 3!**


	3. Chapter 2, no Chapter 3 Yeah that's it!

**Disclaimer: Oh come on. Do I really need to run through all of this again? You know I own nothing, all original characters belong to their original authors and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.**

**You're smart people, you'll get the point.**

Chapter the thirdieth

I Can't Think of a Title

We rejoin the Baudelaires three days later, when they are about to leave the Pod house.

'Well so long suckers. We're never going to grace you with our presence again!' yelled Violet from Mr Pod's car.

'Hey! That's my wife you're talking to!' Mr Pod said angrily.

'Well its too big to be an elephant, so what else is it going to be?' replied Violet.

'I'm going to ignore that comment. If I tell the Mrs you said that, there'll be uproar'

So the orphans and Mr Pod set off on the surprisingly short journey to their new guardians house and put it this way: when I say short, picture a car going forward ten metres, turning right and stopping.

'Right then, here we are. Sorry that the drive took so long.' Said Mr Pod as he got out of the car and unloaded the orphans things from the boot of it.

'Grunt' said Sunny. (Moron)

The three orphans stopped and stared out of the windows of Mr Pod's car. They had pulled outside of what looked a bit like a gingerbread house.

Klaus spoke quietly into his "watch". 'We seem to have pulled up outside what looks like a gingerbread house. I am putting on code Hanzel and +. Over.'

'Who are you talking to?' asked Violet.

'Oh, um… my watch, it links back to a spy base and my boss listens to it to determine my next course of movement.' Klaus replied. He cringed. _ Oops._ He thought. _I've blown it._

'Oh yeah you're soooo funny Klaus.' Said Violet, sarcasticly.

_Phew, that was close_. Thought Klaus as he wiped his brow and sighed.

'Gruntup' said Sunny. (You're weird.)

'Come on children' said Mr Pod, opening the doors of his car.

The orphans stepped out, picked up their suitcases (which were surprisingly light which was unsurprising as most of their stuff had been burnt in the fire) and followed Mr Pod up the marzipan-paved path up to the gingerbread house.

'We really ought to leave a trail of breadcrumbs.' Said Klaus.

'Why?' asked Violet.

'I read about it in a story. Oh, hang on a minute, the breadcrumbs idea didn't work. Scrap that.' Replied Klaus.

As the orphans got closer to the house, they could smell freshly baked cookies and flowers and all things nice and all that mushy junk. When they eventually stopped at the big gingerbread door, Mr Pod pulled back the liquorice door knocker, and knocked on the door.

'Now children,' he said, 'I am going to leave you with Count Tootenn. He is in the theatre trade you know- he wants to become a professional actor. Anywho, he should be nice and all that. I've gotta run but I'll see you. Just explain who you are when he opens the door.'

Then Mr Pod ran off like he was afraid of something that was inside the house. The orphans didn't notice this as they were too busy ignoring him.

'What did the dude say?' asked Violet.

'Gruntoffolus.' Said Sunny (I don't know)

The door flung open and the orphans saw a man dressed in ridiculously bright, eye-burning clothes.

'Hello,' said the man 'I am Count Tootenn.'

'Count Tootenn?' asked Klaus.

'One, two three, four…' started Violet before Sunny hit her round the head with a mouldy fish pineapple.

'You must be those darling orphans. Come in, come in!' Squealed Count Tootenn with delight.

The orphans went in and sat down on candy floss sofas.

'Cookie?' asked the Count, holding out a tray of, you guessed it, cookies.

The orphans took a cookie each.

Suddenly, Lemony Snicket storms into the room.

'What is this?' he asked, 'Am I in some kind of warped dimension. Who are you?'

'We're Violet, Klaus and Sunny.' Said Violet, Klaus and Sunny. (Well Sunny grunted it.)

'Oh! I'm in my own book. I have got to be hallucinating again. Ah well, I'll just have to make the most of it. Hey… wait a minute.' Snicket started pointing at Count Tootenn. 'If you're the Count, aren't you meant to be evil and twisted and have some sort of tattoo?'

'Um... well… I…' started Count Tootenn.

'I get it! You thought you'd cut corners on this one. Well, I'm not having it. Count, you must be evil and have a tattoo.'

'Oh fine then,' Said Count Tootenn. He instantly redecorated his entire house, changed his clothes and tattooed a nose onto his nose. He took away the cookies from Violet Klaus and Sunny's hands.

'Hey!' the orphans chorused.

'That's better. I'll be off then,' Said Lemony as he walked through the window and drifted to fairy-land.

'Random,' Said the room. (Not the people in the room, you understand, the room itself.)

'Go do the dishes!' said Count Tootenn.

'But we only just got here' said Klaus.

'**Go do the dishes!**' Yelled Count Tootenn

'But I've only just done my nails! You can't expect me to wreck them can you?' asked Violet.

'GO DO THE DISHES!' Count Tootenn screamed so loudly that his head fell off.

A passing elf came in and re-stitched the Counts head.

By that point the orphans had already gotten up and were scrubbing the dishes reluctantly.

'Good children!' said the Count, 'Now stay here so that I can read the real book and find out what I'm meant to do next.'

'Gruntathon' said Sunny (I'm bored). Then she started firing spitballs at the back of Count Tootenn's head.

'Why you little…' He yelled as he ran towards Sunny and started throttling her in a way like Homer Simpson would do to Bart until Klaus managed to beat him off with a piece of dry bread.

'That's it!' screamed Count Tootenn, 'I don't care what the original book says, go to bed!'

The orphans then scuttled silently up to their bedroom, despite the fact that they had no idea of either where their bedroom was, or if they really ought to go.

Later

'Do you think he got a little stressy?' asked Klaus.

'I don't know. Maybe we should just wait and see what happens next. I think he'll probably just do what Lemontea Wicked said and be evil.' Replied Klaus.

'Nah' said Sunny.

Little did the sleepy orphans know that as they sat there, Count Tootenn was evilly plotting a plan to get the Baudelaire fortune. In fact, as he sat there, the Count let out an evil laugh that goes a little something like this: 'Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaohwahahahahahahahahahahahahablablahahahahahahahahamanananananananapoopaloopdepompompowwowwoop!'

The children heard this laugh and silently shuddered in their beds. Or they might have been laughing. I'm not too sure. Ah, well… I do know that the chapter ends…………………………………………………………here!

**I know its not good but oh well, you stuck and read it.**

**Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease review and tell me how to make it better. Go on, just click that little button just beneath this writing. You know you want to.**


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